To Feel content

I recently just finished up working on my first gay men’s retreat and had a wonderful feeling when I got back. It was about three years ago in the middle of the pandemic when I decided that not only did I want to work with gay men, I felt like I needed to. There were a lot of signs coming up showing me that there was a lack of connection and community that at times was deadly. I spent 4 days at this retreat leading yoga classes, teaching workshops, and really getting to know these men on an intimate level. There were so many pinch myself moments thinking about how I’m doing what I set out to do in this work. After the week was done and I sat in the feelings of a beautiful experience, I realized how content I feel. There is this feeling of not being attached to anyone or anything, like I can sit in my stillness and just feel peace.

Through the hard work and stressful tears over starting this work, there has been a desperation to get to this point where I am now. I just wanted to work as much as I could, to be able to support myself and also to feel fulfilled in my life. With the unknowing of where this would end up, there were many times I wanted to quit, to throw in the towel and get “a normal job.” What was the point of trying to help queer men if the cost was my mental health? It takes a high tolerance to vulnerability to start your own business, not knowing if it will work out and dealing with all the possibilities of failure. In the last year I was really deciding if I would enjoy my life more if I found more security in work. It was the entire week at the retreat that gave me the confidence and the knowing that I am where I’m supposed to be. The moment that I had been waiting for, that I so longed for was actually not what felt the best. It felt great for sure, but it was every moment that I was able to connect individually with these guys. When they would tell me how they haven’t felt the joy of dancing in years, how they are dealing with the loss of a partner, or how my touch felt so present on their bodies. These were the highs that made the journey here so worth it.

I’ve always known that my trauma lies in missing out on male intimacy in my life. Masculinity was not about support and connection but keeping it all in and succeeding. I am doing this work because of the need for it with gay men, but I’m also doing it to gain something I’ve missed in my life. Maybe for selfish reasons, but this work has brought me a feeling that is greater than any other to me, which is peace. I’ve always felt this longing for what I didn’t have. Feeling left out of the group of gay friends, or at times feeling like a boyfriend would be sufficient to carry all my pain were just fantasies of what could heal my childhood wounds.

To know that I have access within myself to show up, and to lead when sometimes it’s too difficult for others is a powerful feeling. For the time being I feel as though I’m not attached to people or things. I appreciate them and care about them, but I’m not dependant on them to make me happy. I love my work but it’s the men that show up that give me the most joy and fulfillment. I think we are all looking for someone or something to take the pain of our loneliness away, but at the end of the day it’s up to us individually to find that power that we already have to ask for what we need, to be vulnerable with someone, and find that connection that we are missing.