Falling in love
I’ve always been a bit of a romantic. Falling in love is like the best kind of ecstasy. Just the thought of someone you are infatuated with can bring dopamine rushes and arousal that can bring you to an intoxicating high. Although once you get to a certain elevation the downfall can be pretty hard once the lusts starts to diminish. With saying all of this, I’ve found as I’ve gotten older and wiser, that I can stay grounded and know what the reality of the situation is. It’s great to crush on someone hard but that doesn’t mean that that person is right for you, sometimes in any capacity. It’s about enjoying the thrill of new love without losing yourself in it.
When I was in my 20’s and still new to dating as a queer man, I made a ton of mistakes. I would fall hard for a guy then almost become obsessed, thinking I was in love and couldn’t get the hint that he lost interest in me. So many overdramatic moments over guys that I barely knew. I also didn’t know myself so I was looking for someone to give me that sense of identity. Someone who would fulfill this fairy tale idea of giving me the love I didn’t know how to give to myself.
I was incredibly lucky to meet a man who became my partner and showed me how to love myself, by loving me. I always say love is a verb, it’s the actions that we take towards one another that feels supportive, caring, and sometimes blunt. This man did this for me. Instead of just wanting to have romantic dinners, or taking off on expensive trips, he showed me that I struggled a lot in life. However, he didn’t just show me myself, he offered support in helping me go to therapy. It was tangible and allowed me to breathe with the feeling of a net under me. That I could work hard on myself but he was going to be my soft landing if I fell, which I did many times. That relationship changed my outlook on what love vs lust is. I am forever grateful for what that man did for me.
So back to the spark and romance with relationships, I still think those are beautiful and important. The difference is I can stay grounded if I have a connection like that. I used to get lost in the drug like feeling of lust, becoming truly addicted to some men. Even if those men weren’t right for me, I still learnt a lot about myself. There was a boy who showed me that my creativity was attractive and even powerful. A dancer who explored the erotic with me making sex like an animalistic energy. Another who gave me comfort and security when it had been lacking for so long. They all gave me love, but it was just a piece of myself. Those small pieces come together though to love myself a little bit more each time.
I do not regret any man that has come into my life. I’ve realized that there was a point in my young life where I never thought I would even get to kiss a man. I am so grateful that I get to have these intimate and messy relationships. There was never a thought of I need to find that one guy that would be with me forever. Wether it’s a boyfriend, friendship or lover, I hold those memories as very special and thank those men for being there for me at that time and place in my life.
