Dating dilemmas from a sex coach
When people ask me what a somatic practitioner is, they usually don’t realize how simple but challenging the practice is. When I am asked what happens in a session, I imagine they’re thinking that is similar to tantra or maybe even another mystical practice that seems too intimidating. I’ve realized that my work is actually pretty similar to dating. I experience the same highs and lows that come with meeting queer folks. The anticipation of meeting a new client, the pain of being ghosted, and the joy of truly connecting with someone. It’s all a part of what it is to be a somatic intimacy coach.
I recently had a client who wanted to explore more arousing practices with me, which is what his words were before we started the session. However, it was really more like a Grindr hookup when I thought about it after he left. He was running late so I was left waiting a few extra minutes, which can be something that tenses me up. He did apologize when he arrived though but I could tell he was feeling a bit stressed and uneasy. We started with massage to help him connect to his body and for me to connect with him. He started to relax but there was a hint of tension that didn’t seem to want to disappear. I wanted him to get to the place where he could let go, use his voice to express his pleasure, and be present with every sensation surging through his body. He never got to that place, and the noise in his head seemed to be keeping him from being present. I’m not sure if it was the focus on his penis going from hard to soft, or me expressing my needs and boundaries but in the end he abruptly left. This was his choice and I always encourage clients to take care of themselves. However, I felt shame that I had done something wrong, or that the rejection was bringing up my own insecurities. It felt like that Grindr hookup that just didn’t go well. I wanted to rectify the situation and show him that it’s okay to have uncomfortable emotions with sex and we could have made space for the vulnerability but I need to respect people’s choices and not take it personally.
Another client had reached out looking to book a consultation with me. I’m always excited to start the journey with someone new but still apprehensive in how far we will get in the process. Just like on any other dating app, I get lots of people reaching out that I know do want to connect but the shame and fear doesn’t allow them to get far. It might be the faceless profile pic, or the texts that are a mess of typos but in this work you can start to pick up on who’s serious about doing the work and who’s not. This potential client seemed promising with his words and he had consistent communication with scheduling our phone call. When it came time to jump on the call, a mere thirty minutes before, he messaged to say he was unable to chat that morning. I told him it wasn’t a problem and we could try for the next day, same time. No response. I was being ghosted. I appreciate him at least cancelling the call but it’s hard when I’ve put in time and don’t even get a reason why he can’t speak. Sound familiar? This experience is very reminiscent of what dating is like. The avoidance with men is something I’ve gotten used to, and remember it’s a common coping strategy for a lot of us.
My goal in this work is to help queer identifying men to build deeper relationships, and have the best sex possible by being themselves. I’m not a therapist. I’m not here to give you the answers of a to-do list to get to that place. My clients are having real relationships with me, wether that be a partnership, friendship, or hookup situation. The moment you decide to reach out to me, is the moment you are starting that relationship. Every uncomfortable feeling is a chance to connect with yourself and find out why it is you run in that moment. The somatic practice is you exploring what it is keeping you from what you truly want in a relationship, and how to find a healthier connection with your own body.
