Body Image
How we feel about our bodies directly ties into our self worth. How we feel in our bodies ties into our ability to embody our feelings. The pursuit of perfection with gay men has become so common, that it’s become socially acceptable, wether we do it by healthy means or not. The conversations about bulking and cutting, attempting to get a six pack, or the progress pics are so prevalent that of course it would take a toll on anybody’s perception of they see themselves. I’ve learnt to focus on how I feel, but when shame is driving my fitness goals then it’s about how other people see me.
When I was growing up I was always a skinny kid, and I didn’t really grow out of that until I was about 30. The messaging I got around my body was that I wasn’t man enough, not masculine enough. I would obsess about how skinny my arms were, how I never seemed to be able to grow a chest, and it was a constant pursuit of never being good enough. Looking back on my 20’s I wish I would have been kinder to myself. I wish I knew that trying to look like the ultimate male form was not achievable for my body type, nor did it matter. I worked really hard to try and look a certain way but it never really got me anything but attention. Sure, guys will give you compliments and maybe even want to sleep with you, and that can feel great in the moment, but I never made more friends or had more meaningful relationships because of it. Honestly, sometimes it felt like guys were using me to to make themselves feel better, than it ever was about connecting with me. What I’m trying to say is that my quality of life never got better because I was hotter, but it did feel better if I was healthier.
I always liked working out. It made me feel healthy, like I had accomplished something, and I was good at being consistent. When I started yoga in 2014 that changed my love of wellness even more. I learnt the importance of community, and how my teachers supported me in my growth. It was a practice that helped ease my anxiety and depression. I felt amazing in my body, like I could just be and know what calm felt like in my mind. These are all the reasons I became a yoga teacher, so I could be that for others, and I wanted to be that for men.
I also dance everyday. It’s been my practice since I graduated high school and had my own space to do it. I get up in the morning, make my coffee, and set up my laptop to watch music videos. It’s how I start my day and how I get into my body. When I’m dealing with a lot of stress, or just don’t feel well physically, it’s really difficult to get to the place where I can completely let go and connect to my body, but it’s always the goal. That feeling is my eroticism, where time seems to slow down and I feel like every movement in my body is done unconsciously but somehow so controlled and in sync to the music. I always tell clients that it’s the same practice with sex, to completely let go and let desire and pleasure be the ride that you take. This is a feeling I’m connecting with. I don’t look in the mirror to see a six pack to get that feeling, or look on a scale to see a number that dictates aliveness. It is done through movement and my creativity.
What I wish gay men would understand is that having a perfect body does not make you better at sex. If the intention is to be healthier and feel better, it definitely can make an impact with connecting to our eroticism. However, if shame is driving your need for bigger muscles and a toned stomach, you probably won’t feel free in your body. You’ll be trapped into feeling like your worth is tied right into the way you look, so missing gym days can feel anxious because you feel like you’re losing your worth. This also can be the start of unhealthy habits to maintain that sense of worth. That perfectionism with masculinity can cause issues in the bedroom, like staying hard, cumming, or just being stiff in the body. Eroticism feels freeing and liberating, and makes sex incredible. When we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to feel the full range of emotions, and feel safe with our partners we can begin to see our bodies as capable of connection and pleasure, no matter what the shape or size.
