fitting in vs belonging
To understand what authentic intimacy looks like, we have to first know if what we are actually feeling is belonging, or if we are just fitting in. It is a biological human response to need to be a part of a social group. It is how we have learnt to survive. However, with societal pressures of superficial qualities and worth being attached to these, we can lose our authenticity to feel a part of a group of people. Fitting in asks that we change who we are to fit in with the group, whereas belonging asks that we be ourselves in all our feelings with acceptance.
In the age of perfectionism on social media, you can see how groups of gays need to be posting themselves partaking in a party, sitting in the park, or whatever the event is. What I tend to notice is that a lot of the time there isn’t much diversity within the group. A group can be filled with all of the same gender, skin colour, body type, or economic background. This is not done consciously but somewhat of an unconscious move towards comfort. Differences can make people uncomfortable and unable to connect with what they don’t know. I do understand spending most of your time with people you easily connect with and enjoy being around. There’s nothing wrong with that, but we also need to have the skill to be able to connect with those who are different than us to empathize better with people.
So with me, I’ve never really been able to fit in, but I also think that nobody really does. We are so unique in our experiences, how we grew up, or what we really like. We slowly start to be socialized to fit into the status quo. I tend to be emotional and sensitive so it’s hard to hide my feelings. I also understand the importance of letting the people in my life know how I’m feeling. It creates a deeper connection and safer relationships to express our emotions.
However, for a long time I desired to have a gaggle of gays. A group of men who invited me to the party and thought of me every weekend to join in. Eventually I did find a group that made me feel this way. At first it made me feel like I finally found what I had been looking for. The guys made me feel like I mattered, and that I belonged. It touched on a feeling of being accepted, maybe even feeling like I was popular, which is something that a lot of us queer folks didn’t feel when we were growing up. Those feelings and illusions of belonging began to fall apart as I went through a tough breakup. As I started to reach out to the guys about needing support, I started to feel like people began to avoid me. Nobody was able to make space or time for me, and I was becoming less included in with the party. I’m not saying this to shame anyone or make them feel like bad people. Nothing is ever personal and I understand that these men did not have the capacity or the tools to be able to handle my vulnerability. Crisis can teach us so much about who is really there for us. The breakup taught me that the group wasn’t based on belonging and community, but it was about fitting in. An unspoken agreement that to fit in with the group, you need to not create any discomfort by keeping hard feelings to yourself. I didn’t fit in anymore, nor did I want to. I wanted to belong.
I see this same experience with so many queer men. The need to be loved and accepted that is instead filled by this attention to fit in with a certain type of group. Fitting in with a group can give us the illusion that we are loved, but it can give us a false sense of security. When our feelings are hurt and we don’t feel seen, it can trigger those same painful experiences when we were kids. For me that pain is being left out and it feels so much worse, like I’m reliving my feelings of unworthiness from childhood. When we practice being authentic and expressing our feelings, and are met with acceptance and responsibility for those feelings, we can learn to feel safe within a group or with one person. When those people can show us what it feels like to know that they will still be there for us, even if it’s a hard conversation, we can trust that our authentic selves are safe to express.
